The history is certainly murky and disputed. The most prominent theory concerning the origins of Valentine's day involves a 3rd century priest who continued to marry couples in defiance of a decree by Emporor Claudius II of Rome, outlawing marriage for the purpose of preserving his supply of willing soldiers. According to the legend, Claudius had Valentine killed when he learned of the defiance.
Charming.
Valentine would likely think odd what his martyrdom has inspired: hyper-commercialized commodification of the most sacred of human emotions, in the most perversely cheesy way possible, surpassed in tragic irony perhaps only by Christmas. I'm very fortunate that my wife shares my views on this holiday.
I heard a commercial on the radio that began, "Your loved one wants to know that you to put time and thought into your Valentine gift". The commercial was for a "Lobstergram", live lobsters sent through the mail. Fucking lobsters! Time and thought?? Jesus. "Hey honey, I love you so much that I got this arthropod that we can now kill via boiling alive!" Unbeleivably ridiculous.
If a lobster's not your thing, how about chocolate, or even better, a diamond? Yeah! Celebrate your love by supporting two of the most exploitative industries in the world. "Hey Honey, I love you so much that I financially supported genocide, child-labor, and brutal dictatorships in order to give you this useless shit!"
How about showing your love by doing something truley romantic, like writing a rambling, incoherent rant about how much Valentine's day sucks in your blog? That's what I did. Heather's gonna love it, I swear.
3 comments:
A few fairly accurate (some of the data was a year or two old) facts about the stupid shit men are told to waste their money on to get a piece of ass:
Almost 90% of diamonds are cut and polished by child slaves. 91% of all pesticide poisoning comes from roses. An est. 284,000 children, many trafficked and enslaved, work in cocoa farming. Happy Valentine's Day!
I bought Alex a diamond to make up for all of the beatings and other women I've slept with.
Wow. I didn't know that about roses, but I should have guessed. As a non-food product, rose growers are able to use much more toxic pesticides. roses are a particularly pest-ridden crop as well.
Joel, I hope it helped. Of course, there is still the issue of your chronicly excessive flatulence.
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