Story: The birth of Stella

So Heather has been after me for 2 and a half years now to write down my birth story. I remember very few details as it was 35 years ago and all my memory synapses had yet to fully form. Also, my mother had been drinking heavily that day so I kinda had a "contact buzz".

ha ha.

All kidding aside, writing down one's experience with childbirth is apparently something these new-agey baby-having types feel is useful. I figured my blog would be a fine forum for such a literary endeavor. In this case, the birth in question would be that of Stella, our 2.5 year old.

I suppose I'll start from the beginning. It was Halloween. Heather was dressed up as a roller skater girl, and I as some kind of goofball. That's what all my costumes turn out to be: I just find the goofiest clothes I have lying around, do something strange with my hair involving spray paint and crisco, and there you have it. But I digress. We were planning to go to a couple of parties that night and consume copious quantities of alcohol. I was aware that Heather had purchased a pregnancy test earlier that day. A few folks came over, and just as we were heading out the door, Heather says to me with a smile on her face, "By the way, I'm not drinking tonight." Her meaning was clear. Needless to say, I was in a funny mood that night: excited, but also acutely aware that life would never be the same.

Some period of time later, Heather informs me that she intends to have a natural childbirth.

"Uh, like without drugs?", I ask.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because its safer for the baby."
"Whatever you say."

I didn't have an immediate aversion to the idea, but like most people, I thought of pain as something to be avoided if possible. I had also heard that, on the pain charts, childbirth was way up there too. But over time, I found myself intrigued by the idea, though I wasn't sure why at the time.

So we take a natural childbirth class, which, besides preparing us for the experience, made me realize how completely ignorant I was on the subject, not only biologically, but also on how screwed up the way our society deals with pregnancy and childbirth is. I'm not going to get into that here, but I would very strongly urge anyone considering downloading a kid to become as informed as possible on the matter. And while I'm on the subject, DO NOT read "She's Having a Baby and I'm Having a Breakdown" if you are a father-to-be. All that book did was freak me out. It treated the whole pregnancy/childbirth experience as some kind of horrible ordeal fraught with all kinds of pitfalls, disasters, hyper-emotional wives, etc. Thankfully, the actual experience was wholly positive.

Heather went into labor as we were watching the last DVD of "The Lord of the Rings". So we just finished the movie and started to get ready to go to the hospital. I didn't intend for this to be full of advice for expecting parents, but this one is pretty important: Don't go to the hospital until you are really not comfortable at home. This could be as short a time as an hour, to more than a day. Hospitals are boring, lame, uncomfortable places to be. They're a real drag compared to your home. Go too early and they'll send you home. Worse yet, they may get tired of you being there so long and start to invent reasons for you to have a C-section.

Heather had a strange ability to not have a contraction when someone was around. When she first went into labor, we called my mom to bring us a camera because ours was broken. We chatted with her for a while after she got here, and she seemed puzzled by Heather's calm demeanor. Just as she left, Heather had another big contraction. On a side note, the only time Heather ever snapped at me during the whole process was when I turned on the stereo and put in what was apparently the WRONG cd. That was quickly rectified.

We left for the hospital at about 2 AM or so. On the way, we stop to pick up our doula, Cynthia Mwenja. Having Cynthia at the birth was great. Her presence was unobtrusive, but she was very instrumental in keeping me focused and encouraging Heather. She hadn't answered our phone calls, so we just went to her house and banged on the door. Down she came in a few minutes. We drove to the hospital and walked in.

"Hi. We're here to have a baby."
"okay, first door on the left"
Or something like that.

Our first room was a small, typical doctor office-type room. A nurse came in right after Heather had a contraction. Heather was very calm. The nurse was obviously unconvinced that she was in labor (can't blame her since everybody comes in too early).

"Do you know what Braxton-Hicks contractions are?"
"Yes" says Heather, when what she probably wanted to say was, "Yes, I know at least as much about them as you do." (Heather was a voracious reader of literature on the subject of childbirth during her pregnancy)

They conduct a test to confirm that Heather was in labor, and decide that yes, she was. Ah, the wonders of modern medicine.

We were taken to a birthing room, which resembled a spacious hotel room, with low lights and decent decor: not what I was expecting at all. I was glad.

Heather began having strong contractions for the next two hours or so. My role was to support her body during the contractions so she could relax as much as possible. I don't remember when I first noticed it, but when I would hold Heather during a contraction, which she seemed to really need, I would feel an incredible rush of energy run through me that would make me almost hyperventilate. The sensation was unlike anything I've experienced. I felt like we were one thing, fused together by this powerful energy. I also remember feeling a kind of connectedness to mankind in general, and to my ancient ancestors or something. That's quite difficult to describe. I remember thinking, "Is this really happening?" And then, "Yeah... it is. Wow." That went on for some time. I'd have to say that it was the most intense thing I've experienced. It's one of those things that convinces me that there is much about the nature of our existence that we don't understand. Until science figures it out, I'll call it magic.

I suppose it may seem odd that I was having such a powerful, and indeed, profoundly positive experience while my wife was in considerable pain. I'll let her address that, HEATHER: "I had no idea at the time that what Trey was experiencing was so intense. I was vaguely aware through my laborland haze that Trey was very emotional in the late part of my labor (but what's new?). I did know that it was absolutely essential that he be there and hold me during each contraction so I could focus on relaxing and opening up. Although labor was painful, I think of my birth experience in a totally positive light and am glad that Trey was able to be there and get something positive out of it as well."

Since that time, I've read a little more about natural child birth. Apparently, its not that uncommon for fathers to have experiences similar to mine.

When Heather was in transition (the period just before pushing, as the baby is going through the cervix) someone said something funny and Heather laughed. Our doula commented that she had never seen anyone laugh during transition. At some point, a group of medical students came by outside our room. They wanted to come in to see what a natural birth was like. Heather forbade them entrance on the grounds that it would distract her and diminish her contractions. She said that next time, she'll consider it.

Then the hard part. Most women push for less than an hour. Stella was in a twisted position that made her difficult to get out. Heather pushed for a few hours. Our cool, telepathic rush thing stopped happening after she was lying on the table. It was amazing seeing someone exert so much energy for that long. I couldn't believe she could keep going. Our doctor, who was present at this point, kept saying things like, "Okay, we really need to get this baby out", which at the time, I didn't question. In retrospect, I think she was trying to make Heather work harder, which obviously wasn't possible. The comments served only to induce a level of despair. Whatever. Doctors aren't psychologists, or even necessarily very empathetic or insightful people. They should be left out of the process as much as possible. Anyway, eventually, out popped Stella. My brain ceased to function within the normal parameters of logic or cohesive thought. I honestly had to gather my concentration to remember where to look to determine the sex. I'm not kidding. She was immediately taken to an adjacent room to be weighed and cleaned. WHY??? Anyway, I go to Heather's side and smile and cry and kiss her. She makes a sharp motion for me to go to attend the baby, which I do, as I slowly regain my facilities.

I went outside for air and to make a couple of phone calls. There was another guy out there smoking a cigarette, and we started to chat a bit. He had just had a baby too. "I heard there was a lady in there having a natural birth!", he said to me.
"Yeah, that was my wife"
"Really? How was it?"
"Pretty cool."
I think we were kinda the talk of the maternity ward that day. Natural births are very rare in Alabama. When we first brought it up to our doctor, she said, "Yeah, I've heard of that" ...or something to that effect.

We were moved to another room. For reasons that are still entirely unclear to me, babies are kept away from the mother for a period after birth. It was then determined that Stella was a bit jaundiced, which was obvious from her yellowish skin. This is not uncommon in newborns. The treatment for this condition is to be placed under fluorescent lights, on a constant basis. I didn't understand it at the time, but Heather was very upset that she couldn't hold the baby all the time.

"It's cool," I said, "She's healthy. What's the problem?"

This did not earn me sensitivity points. Apparently, many women have a real physical need to touch and be close to their babies. Now I know.

Any day now, we'll go for round 2. I think that, the first time, we approached childbirth as something to get through. I think this time we're both better prepared to see the beauty in the experience. But I am consciously refraining from forming preconceptions or lofty expectations. I'm mainly looking foward to all the good food and having a few days off work.