Rhythm Clapper Manifesto

So, I went to see Railroad Earth last night. It was fantastic: an extremely high energy show with everybody dancing around and loving it.

Some of you are aware of my extreme (psychotic?) aversion to people rhythm clapping during songs. Anyway, there’s this guy right next to us just trying to prove how loud he can clap. My usual strategy is to try to look them in the eye and give them a “that’s kind of obnoxious, man” kind of look. It works about a third of the time. The times it doesn’t work, it almost backfires. They seem to think, “Hey, that guy is looking at me. He must really think I can clap good!”… or something. Next thing I know, he stops clapping altogether. Heather informs me that she has asked him to stop. I couldn’t believe it. She is SO non-confrontational. The guy appeared to be kind of sulking now. I sorta felt bad at that point. Poor dude was dancing and having fun, and now he’s all bent outa shape.

But then I thought, “You know, that guy was the ONLY person clapping at that point, and he was clapping very loudly. And maybe he’s annoying me more than anyone else, but maybe not, and I’m sure that almost EVERYBODY near him would rather he not make so much racket. Maybe it’s time he learned a valuable lesson”. Right?

I mean, why is it not okay to make a bunch of noise in a movie theater, but it is okay at a concert? Isn’t it just extremely audacious to assume that everybody around you wants to hear your “contribution” to the music? And isn’t it kind of rude to the band, especially with that kind of music- with complex rhythms and abrupt changes. Isn’t the implication that YOU have something to “add” to the music with your clapping? Well maybe the musicians don’t think so. Also, many rhythm clappers don’t have very good rhythm. Those people are the worst. I’d rather have nails driven into my skull.

“Jeez” you say, “Get a life, relax, and try not to let it bother you. People are always gonna clap.” Believe me I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard. But it’s like someone repetitively rapping their knuckles on my head. I’ve considered professional help. If I could pay an amount of money to guarantee that no one would clap around me ever again, it would be in the several thousands. No kidding.

Why don’t I just move, you ask? Well, I’m cursed, you see. If I move, someone will just start clapping at the area that I move to. I swear. I’ve tested this many times.

So, I’ve decided to take a stand. In life, one must stand up for that in which one believes, right? Truly I say to you, “Yes”, for that is what will define our strength of character! I shall be the voice for all those who sit quietly by meekly enduring their own private rhythm clapper Hell! Apathy, thou hast no place in my life from this day forward! The oppression that now enjoys tortured tolerance shall be relegated to oblivion!

Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand up on your heels and call from the hills! We can stop a runaway rhythm clapper marathon!

So anyway, I’m having a little trouble figuring out the best way to get started. Handing out fliers? A website? T-shirts? Weapons of mass destruction? And I need a catchy slogan.

Are you with me or against me? This may be the quintessential calling of our time, and the most important quest. Will our legacy be that of unrestrained clapping? Is that what you want for your children? I, for one, think that we can do better than that.

I have a dream- where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers and enjoy live music in blissful peace. You may say I’m a dreamer. Am I the only one?

EDIT: Someone pointed out a Mike Cooley (Drive By Truckers) quote: to a rhythm clapper in the audience "you don't have rhythm, don't do that." Fantastic.